


How To Woo Your Best Friend Over The Course Of Twenty Five Years

by regionals



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Coming of Age, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Light Angst, Multi, i wrote this two years ago and decided to finish it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 18:19:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17330078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regionals/pseuds/regionals
Summary: Show up to first grade with the intention of making every other six year old in your grade bow down to your power hungry six year old ass.Abandon your plans of first grade schoolyard domination and instead focus on befriending the chubby quarter Japanese kid with a lisp. Fail miserably at befriending him and instead kick dirt in his face.





	How To Woo Your Best Friend Over The Course Of Twenty Five Years

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in 2017 and never finished it  
> found it today  
> reread it, decided it was done, and added like a few more bits to it  
> i dont write in second person much anymore but........... take it i guess

****Show up to first grade with the intention of making every other six year old in your grade bow down to your power hungry six year old ass. Toss those plans right out the fucking window the second you spot him, out of the corner of your eye-- _Josh Dun._ Not Danny Devito because it's 1988 and because that meme isn't even a _meme,_ meaning it can't be a stale meme. The point is, you see him, alright?

Abandon your plans of first grade schoolyard domination and instead focus on befriending the chubby quarter Japanese kid with a lisp. Fail miserably at befriending him and instead kick dirt in his face and feel awful about it when he starts crying. Don't say anything to your parents, even when the teacher calls them and your mom starts yelling at you about how you should _not_ kick dirt into people's faces.

Awkwardly apologize a month later when your parents and his parents somehow end up going to the same church, and the two of you end up sat next to each other near the back. When he forgives you with a shrug, saying, "It's cool," you're going to nod along and say, "Cool," right back to him, because you're a cool guy and that's what cool guys do--they say _cool_ to each other.

Find out that his family also lives next door to you that same day, and wonder to yourself how you've never noticed it before, at least until you find out that they moved in, like, a month ago, and that you just haven't _noticed,_ even though you spend afternoons and sometimes evenings outside playing basketball in your driveway.

*

When Josh notices you outside one afternoon, and asks why you're just throwing the basketball in the basket, _over and over,_ explain it to him. "Ma says that I have an _infinity,"_ you meant affinity, but you were six, so you're going to look past that, "for basketball, and that I gotta make five hundred baskets before I can eat dinner."

Josh is going to tell you that's dumb, but he's going to sit on the tree stump next to your driveway anyways so he can watch you and talk to you while you make baskets. He's also going to run back to his house and get a notebook for him to keep tally marks in to help you count, because he's like that.

*

Sometimes Josh is going to shoot baskets with you, even if there's six inches of snow on the ground, because he's _like that._ He's going to come over and give you gloves, and when you tell him you don't need no stinkin' gloves, he's going to glare at you, mutter something under his breath, then he's going to shove the gloves into your hands, telling you to _put them on_ before your hands fall off.

You're going to blush, and he's not going to notice it since it's cold and since your cheeks were red anyways. You're going to put the basketball down, and while you put the gloves on, he's going to take the basketball, and he's going to wait until you're done to say, "Let's play. You can still make baskets but it's more fun this way."

You're going to tell him he's weird but you're going to indulge him anyways because he's trying not to smile and mentally you call yourself weird for it, but, you think he's kind of cute, alright? You are _not_ going to tell him that you think he's cute, though. That's forbidden territory.

*

When you go inside that night your mom is going to get onto you for playing with Josh when you should've been focusing, and although you're going to let her talk while you take your coat and your boots off, and while you stuff your gloves into your pockets, you're not going to _listen_ to her, because you were having fun.

*

Invite Josh to your seventh birthday party a few weeks after he plays basketball with you. He's going to be the only person you invite, and you're going to have _fun._ The two of you are going to go in your room and play Super Mario Bros. 3, since you'd gotten that and an NES for your birthday, until your mom is yelling up the stairs for you to blow out the candles on your cake, the one she had to remake, since Zack had managed to crawl onto the table and slide the first one off and onto the floor, since he's, like, _two,_ and didn't know any better.

Josh is going to spend the night, and your parents are going to just have to deal with it. Josh's parents are going to be alright with him spending the night, and although your mom huffed and puffed about it, your dad says that he'll allow it.

*

On Christmas, you and Josh are going to throw presents over the fence at each other. He gets you a hat and a scarf with his allowance, and you'd given him a cassette tape, a mix tape, actually, that you'd stayed up almost all night trying to make, since it was all you _could_ make. (You asked your parents if you could get him a gift, and they told you _no,_ so to spite them, you made the mix tape. You are a crafty seven year old.)

*

On the first day of school after Winter Break, you're going to wear the gloves he'd given you in November, the scarf, and the hat, and when a kid in the grade above you makes fun of you for matching, you're going to stick your middle finger up at him, and you're going to lie and wind up getting _him_ in trouble by the time he's done pissing and moaning to his teacher about you being mean. Like you said, you are a crafty seven year old.

Josh is going to see you wearing the hat, the scarf, and the gloves, and he's going to smile like an idiot and hug you tight, and you're going to just laugh a little bit when he's done hugging you, and you're going to pretend that you're just cold, _not_ that you're blushing from him hugging you.

*

In second grade, you're going to make it a point to sit next to Josh every chance you get, and you're going to pretty much _stalk_ him during recess. He isn't going to mind, because he's basically glued to you anyways.

*

In third grade, you're going to go with Josh and his parents on a vacation in Hawaii over the course of Winter Break, because your mother is going to yell and scream at you over something dumb and your father is going to politely plead with Josh's parents to let you tag along, just so you don't spend break being miserable. Of course, he's also going to shill out a bunch of money to cover your costs, and Josh's parents, being as kind as they are, are going to be more than happy to let you tag along.

*

In fourth grade, you're going to join the fourth grade basketball team, and you're going to win a state championship and make your parents proud. (Or your dad, at least. Your mom is going to just nod coolly, and she's going to make some remark that you're not even going to remember the next day, because _fuck that._ )

Josh is going to go to all of your games and he's going to smile and give you thumbs up and cheer you on, and his mom, who is the one who brings him, is going to smile at you as well. Josh doesn't like basketball, and he's going to wind up playing baseball and soccer for the rest of elementary school.

Your parents aren't as kind as his are, so you're going to only go to a handful of his games, but when you do go, he's going to be _thrilled_ and you're going to get a lot of hugs out of it.

*

In fifth grade, you can't play basketball, at least not for the first six weeks of the season, because you're going to break your arm. Or, well, _you_ aren't going to break it. Your mom is. She's going to yell at you for making a mess and she's going to throw you to the ground and kick you, once, and your arm is going to snap like a twig.

You're not going to go to an emergency room, at least not for a day, because she calls you a crybaby and says you're _faking_ when you say that you broke your arm.

Josh is going to notice the next day, of course, and he's going to wonder why the hell you aren't writing with your left hand like you usually do. You're going to tell him that your arm hurts, and when he sees the ugly bruise on it, he's going to drag you to your teacher, Mrs. Chandler, whom you love dearly, and from there, you're going to be taken to the nurse's office.

When your father shows up at the emergency room, he's going to say that you fell while riding your bike, and you're just going to frown, but nod, since you're trying to learn that it's best to not question him, especially when he lies like this. You do not know how to ride a bike.

*

Show up to school with a cast. Let Josh swap seats with the girl next to you so he can draw on your cast, since that's a thing he likes to do. At recess, compliment him by saying, "You're really good at drawing, Josh," in a sheepish tone. When he blushes, _blushes,_ smile at him. Don't smile too hard, though. Just smile a little bit, so he doesn't think you're weird. (Also, don't smile too hard anyways, because your arm fucking hurts and even if you wanted to, you couldn't smile that much anyways.)

Your mom is going to be _extremely_ nice to you for the next eight months. Under no circumstances whatsoever are you to trust her. Of course, you won't listen to that advice, because you're the kind of person who takes the narrator's advice with the tiniest grain of salt. A foolish choice, honestly. The narrator really has your best interests at heart.

Anyways.

Join your school's basketball team in sixth grade. Make fun of Josh only a little bit when he joins _cheer leading._ Stop making fun of him when he socks you in the arm, saying, "Piss off, Tyler. I wanna just have an excuse to come to games with you. Also, when _you_ start being able to do back flips, come talk to me." Josh will flip you off after this, but do not be alarmed. He always flips you off. It's just a thing he does, and you always laugh when he does it, because he's so nice that it makes him look silly.

*

Listen to your mom when she sits you down one afternoon after basketball practice in December, and says, "Since you're thirteen now, you're old enough to have a little responsibility."

Nod. Let her continue. Interrupting or saying anything before she's said her piece could be seen as disrespectful and you might get slapped for it.

When she gives you a set of chores, repeat her, just to clarify. "You... want me to do the dishes and the laundry?" She's going to nod sweetly and she's going to tell you that if you do a good enough job, she's going to start giving you a weekly allowance.

*

Learn over the course of the four months that she was lying, and that she will always, _always,_ find an excuse, or a reason to not give you any money or compensation, even when you do a _wonderful_ job. Bond with your dad, since whenever your mom is done riding your ass about the one dried on bit of food on a plate than you missed, he's going to give you a twenty dollar bill, and he's going to tell you to save it and to not let her know you have it.

*

Between seventh and eighth grade, your parents are going to start fighting a lot. Dad has an affair and you... Well, you're not going to give your mom an opinion when she drunkenly asks you for it one night. You've already talked to your dad and even though you're thirteen, he told you what was going on with him and his reasoning, although flawed and awful, you'll admit, still seems _reasonable._

Forgive your dad, because you love him and he's going to be your best friend for the rest of the time you spend at home, aside from Josh, of course. _Don't_ say anything substantial, aside from, "No," to your mom when she asks you if you'd do that to a girl, if you'd _cheat_ on someone, and make them feel awful. Just nod and say, "Yeah," when necessary during one of her stupid drunken rants where she pretends to like you.

*

When Dad starts finding excuses to not be home, aside from fucking another woman on the side, learn how to take care of your brother, who is, by now, eight. He's going to come into your room the first week of school (eighth grade for you, third grade for him) and he's going to awkwardly ask you if you could make him something to eat, since mom's _asleep_ on the couch.

Get up, and follow him downstairs. Notice that your mom looks like a scene out of some broken home movie, with one shoe on and the other on the floor below her other foot. Her clothes are askew and her hair is an absolute mess. Take the cigarette out of her hand and stub it out in her ash tray. Kneel down and give Zack a piggyback ride next door to Josh's house.

When Josh's mom answers the door, awkwardly ask, "Can we, uh... eat dinner here...? My dad isn't home and my mom's passed out on the couch, so..." Try to look as pitiful as possible.

Josh's mom will give you a sad smile and usher you inside, saying, "Of course."

Put Zack down, and tell him to go play with Jordan, even though Jordan's only six. When Zack complains, tell him that you want to talk to Josh without him eavesdropping.

When Josh asks if your mom is drunk, just shrug, and say, "When is she _not?"_

He will then ask, "When do you think your dad's going to be home?"

"Probably in a few hours. My brother's hungry though and I know you guys usually eat around this time, so..." Shrug again, and allow Josh to hug you.

*

Juggle high school basketball, feeding and sometimes even clothing your brother, along with taking care of household chores starting in ninth grade. Mom will basically be useless and Dad will always have an excuse to be at work or to be at _his_ parents house, rather than his own taking care of his own kids.

When Josh asks if you ever get mad at your dad for being gone, you're just going to shrug, because no, you never really are. You don't blame him. When he _is_ home, Mom just yells at him and you always just sit in your room blasting music with your brother so he doesn't have to hear the two of them yelling. (In the future at a family gathering, joke around with Zack about how the two of you were the Jonathan and Will of the nineties, except without the weird alien creatures.)

*

Don't call 911 when your mom shoves you into a bookshelf and you end up with bruises all over your body. Don't tell your coach the truth after he catches sight of your back being all bruised up as he's stepping through the locker room to get to a different room one afternoon before practice. Tell him you fell backwards into a pool and it bruised your back. It's weird yet specific enough for him to believe you.

When Josh winces after you show him that same night, you're going to just try not to cringe, and you _will_ let him hold you while the two of you sleep in his bed that night. Josh is affectionate and he worries about you a lot and you will always let him hug you and hold you whenever he doesn't know what else to do.

*

When your mom goes after Zack on Christmas that year, fight back. Shove her away and tell her that she can hit you all she wants but that she can _not_ touch him. Tell _him_ to get into a different room, and continue shouting at your mom and fighting with her until _Josh's_ dad is knocking on the door.

Josh's dad is a lawyer and he looks more than pissed when your mom answers and he sees you about teen feet behind her, face all splotchy and hot and sticky since you started crying at some point. Take Zack with you and follow Josh back to Josh's house while his dad chews your mom out.

Tell Zack to go play with Jordan again while you and Josh sit in Josh's room. Rant and shout a little bit and _vent_ and let Josh hold you while the two of you watch one of your favorite movies. Try your best to ignore the fact that you have the most inconvenient crush on him.

*

Accidentally come out to your mom a few days after you turn fifteen. Take a slap to the face, then a few more, until your dad finally puts his foot down and breaks it up. Stomp over to Josh's house and allow yourself to cry while he's holding a bag of peas to your face.

"What happened?" He'll ask.

"Accidentally told Mom that I'm gay," you'll mutter before swallowing down a sob. "Slapped me a few times. Dad got her to knock it off. I don't want to be this way."

Josh will kiss the cheek that's least bruised, and he won't seem to care that he's basically getting tears in his mouth. "You're perfect the way you are. There's nothing wrong with being gay, Ty."

Make a remark about feeling like a girl, what with all the feelings bullshit.

Josh will glare at you and tell you to shut up, that there's nothing emasculating about sharing your feelings, and that just because you're a boy doesn't mean you have to repress your emotions.

Kiss him after he tells you that, because you don't know how else to respond, other than with affection. Josh will kiss you back for a few seconds, and that's going to be that, at least for now.

*

Be like your dad and find excuses not to be at home. Start staying at Josh's house more often. Start going home with a junior that you know, since his mom is adamant about her home being a safe place, and since Mark kind of has a big fat mouth that likes to blab to his mom about your life. Start hanging out with your other friends more.

*

When Mom leaves Dad and takes your brother with her sometime in March, stay up all night crying while Josh tries to console you. Once your crying subsides and your face isn't covered in a fine layer of snot and tears, make out with Josh. He's going to feel bad for you and he's going to agree to it without questioning you very much.

Cut it off after awhile since you get tired, and since you kind of just want to sleep next to him.

*

In tenth grade, in November, ask Josh to go to homecoming with you. He will tell you that he's not ready to be out, so you're going to decorate your bedroom and make it fit for two kings to dance in. He's going to kiss you a lot and you're going to cry a little bit just because you're so full of affection for this boy.

Josh will ask you to be his boyfriend this night.

Say yes, and don't hesitate.

*

Have sex with Josh after the new year. Drive to Cleveland, park somewhere that Lake Erie can be seen from, and _ride him_ into the backseat of the car you got when you turned sixteen. It won't be _that_ great, but it'll still be a lot fucking better than your hand.

Continue to have sex with him regularly, because that's a thing that teenagers do, and feel grateful that sex is apparently a _skill,_ because over time, it gets better and _better._

 

*

Move out the second you graduate high school. Move into an apartment with Mark. Get shitfaced when Josh breaks up with you. He's in California at Stanford playing football and majoring in some weird business thing and you're in Ohio at Ohio State playing basketball and majoring in computer engineering. He will say that the long distance is too hard, and you'll say that you understand.

Cut off contact with Josh. Cut him out of your life. He broke your heart. He doesn't deserve to even _talk_ to you. Make yourself miserable because you miss him.

*

As part of your teenage rebellion that you never really got out of your system, you're going to get a bunch of tattoos and you're going to dye your hair. The dye job will be bad, but your hair will be kinda brown and kinda blue and that on top of the eyeliner you're going to start wearing, you'll look totally bad ass.

*

Meet Jenna. Jenna's in one of your grad classes. Jenna _really_ likes you, and you're pretty sure you're gay, but you'll make an _exception_ for her, because... Well, you like her too. Fall in love with Jenna over the course of a few months. Bend over backwards trying to make her smile and laugh.

Jenna's soft and gentle and she loves you with every fiber of her being. She runs her fingers through your hair and she makes you feel like a person, and she makes you feel so _loved_ and _appreciated._

*

Graduate from college the semester after you turn twenty two. Get a job playing basketball for an NBA team in California. Try not to think about how Josh lives in California and how he's playing in the NFL now.

*

Date Jenna for a few more years before she sits down with you one evening, your hands clasped in hers, saying, "I'm breaking up with you."

Be... shocked? Ask her why.

When she tells you that she's _gay,_ start laughing your ass off.

She's going to hit you in the arm and glare and ask you why you're laughing.

Just say, "I'm gay too!"

*

Don't seclude yourself after _this_ breakup. Stay friends with Jenna, best friends, and continue living with her for awhile, at least until she moves in with her _girlfriend_ around the time you turn twenty five. Spend that Christmas with her and Ashley, her girlfriend.

Jenna will have a few shots of peppermint schnapps, and will fall the fuck asleep, since she's a lightweight, which means you're going to sit up on her patio smoking cigarettes and sipping from a glass of scotch.

When Ashley sits with you and pokes her nose into your business, asking, "Why'd you date her for so long anyways?" answer her honestly.

"'Cause I love her. Maybe not necessarily completely romantically, but sometimes you meet someone that you just _click with_ and she's one of those people for me."

She's going to nod, and after ten minutes or so, she's going to ask, "Is it safe to say you're single and suffering?"

Laugh, because, _yeah._ "Always."

"Awesome. There's a guy I wanna set you up with."

"Oh?" Raise an eyebrow at her. "You don't even know me."

"I know enough about you from what Jenna told me and she agreed with me that, perhaps, you should go on a blind date with this guy I know."

"Who is he?"

"It's a blind date for a reason. He's... sort of famous, kinda like you, and he told me that if he lets me set him up on a blind date then I need to be all hush hush."

"Does he know who I am?"

"Nope. It's a blind date for a reason." She repeats herself. "He's super nice and I was actually in a relationship with him for a hot minute, so I can vouch for him."

"Why'd you break up with him then?"

"Oh, honey, he broke up with me. I was his... experiment." She wiggles her fingers a little bit and smiles ever-so-slightly. "It's a shame he's gay, honestly. He treated me like a princess." She scrunches her face up.

*

Show up at some obscure diner in fucking Malibu, and jokingly send a text to Mark, saying, _"Watch it be Josh,"_ when the mystery guy hasn't showed up for ten minutes past when he supposedly said he would.

Send another text five minutes later saying, _"Oh good fucking god I was JOKING!!!"_ when, lo and behold, _Joshua Fucking Dun_ walks in. Try to slide down under the table, but make eye contact with him just before your eyes are about to go underneath the table. Curse your shitty luck.

Josh will point at himself, then the door, and he'll raise his eyebrows, as if to silently ask, _"Should I leave?"_

You're going to hesitate, but you're going to shake your head and wave him over, visibly cringing as you do so, and also as you sit up.

The first thing Josh is going to do is apologize for breaking up with you. He's going to explain that he didn't know _you_ were Ashley's mystery guy, and that his break up with you has been eating at him for almost eight years now.

Notice that Josh is _hot_ now. He's muscular in the way football players are, he has a _beard,_ and he's so fucking _hot._ The last time you saw him, he was kinda hot, but mostly just cute in the way eighteen year olds are. Try your best not to outwardly sigh as all the feelings he used to make you feel start rushing back.

Tell him you forgive him, because you're over it. (You are, really.) Sure, he broke your heart, make him well aware of that, and also apologize for cutting off contact with him, but explain that even talking to him hurt a little too much for you. He's going to say he understands, because, _fuck,_ he always fucking understands.

The blind date is going to go great, you're going to laugh and smile a lot and for the first time since high school you're going to feel like things are _right._

*

Josh invites you over to his house a few weeks after the blind date. His house is a little smaller than yours--more reasonable--but it's nice. Smile like an idiot when he opens his door with his stupid _grin_ on his cute face.

Josh has cats, and his cats _will_ take a liking to you. He has three of them. Oreo is small, and she's black and white and absolutely _sweet._ Fall in love with her immediately.

_Recognize_ his gray cat, and start laughing, saying, "Onix, you little fucking _shit."_

You live a few streets away from Josh.

Onix was your cat up until about eight months ago.

Which is when he ran away.

Apparently, he showed up on Josh's doorstep, which is what he tells you when you explain that, _yeah,_ Onix was your cat. He asks you want him back, and you will shake your head, because Josh seems pretty attached to him. Added... Onix seems to like Josh a fuck of a lot more than he likes you.

Josh's third cat is a tabby Maine Coon named Polly, and she's a sweetheart. She will nip at you if you pet her wrong, which is the only reason she's second on your list of favorites when it comes to Josh's cats.

The two of you will hang out that afternoon, watching movies and drinking beer, and when you go home that evening, you're going to lay on your couch, and you're going to resist the urge to scream, because you can feel yourself already falling in love with him again.

*

Spend four months getting to know Josh again, and dodging paps whenever the two of you decide to venture outside of the Beverly Hills subdivision either of you live in.

Josh is different now than he was in high school. He's more confident. He's more _sure_ of himself. He's _hot,_ which you've already noted, numerous times. He's also a lot more grown up. He's different but you’re still going to love him so much.

*

Admit to Josh that you love him now every bit as much as you did _then,_ and then some.

Josh will smile like a dumbass.

Kiss him.

Tell him that if he breaks up with you again, you’ll be, like, a little mad.

He’ll laugh. He’ll laugh and it’ll sound like music to your ears.

He’ll tell you that he won’t do that, because you’re the love of his life.

Tell him that you’re going to marry the shit out of him one day.


End file.
